Scorpions as a Service
435 million years of uptime. Now on a monthly plan.
Every feature ships natively.
We didn’t build any of this. Evolution did, and it’s had since the Silurian to get it right.
Built-in dark mode
The exoskeleton glows blue-green under UV. No configuration required. Try the lamp above.
Ultra-low running costs
Some species go a whole year between meals.
Horizontal scaling
Mothers carry the entire brood on their backs.
Partner integrations
The promenade à deux: hours of claw-locked onboarding.
Battle-tested
Survived all five mass extinctions without a breaking change.
Freezer-tolerant
Frozen overnight, back online after thawing. Please don’t test this.
Three tiers, one of them legal.
Emperor
£49 / month
Big claws, bee-level sting. The friendly desk companion.
Glow
£99 / month
Everything in Emperor, plus a UV ambience pack and moult alerts.
Deathstalker
Not offered
Skinny claws, serious venom. Legal said no.
How it started.
A software engineer, a lawyer and Inayah walk into a bar. There’s a scorpion sitting on the counter.
Stay sharp.
We’re onboarding offices one desk at a time. Get on the list and we’ll be in touch.